That was well said. Always appreciate your indepth views. Keep up the great work!

John

I am a 66 year old retired widow on a low income. I have emphysema and COPD, chronic obstructive pulmonary disfunction….which I got from years of smoking….I was always a nervous wreck and smoking seemed to help. Now, I go around gasping for breath and looking like a fish on a riverbank, and feeling like I live with a wet towel draped over my face…constantly.
Yet my emphysema is not bad enough, my doctor says, for me to be put on oxygen.
My problem, she says, is mainly the obstruction of my bronchial air passages, and I use an inhaler…constantly…but with little relief. I’ve been on it for about 10 years, quit smoking 6 years ago but waited too long, I guess.
I get my medical care from an HMO and it
isn’t too good, I’m afraid, but it’s close by my home and I don’t have a car and have never driven because of fearing I might cause someone to be hurt or killed in an accident, two of my sisters and my late brother had the same non driver status and for the same reason….fear. I can’t walk to the bus stop to take a bus anywhere so I have to get a local senior citizen place to give me rides in their van to the doctor at $2 a trip.

My doctor acts as if I’m mentally challenged when I try to tell her that most of my trouble is caused by anxidty and panic….she says, rather impatiently, “You have COPD, that is what is causing it” even though I’ve explained that others in my family have been prone to certain forms of it. But I can tell that my problems are often made worse by outer circumstances….I get so much worse when I am faced with having to go out for anything (which I hardly ever do, except for medical appointments)….or just when I have to look for clothes to put on, iron them, and get dressed, all the while huffing and puffing and collapsing on the couch between each sleeve and pants leg. It also gets much, much worse when, sometimes during storms in summer, the electricity gets knocked out and I get afraid of dying and start gasping for air (making the problem even worse, I’m sure, but I can’t seem to help it). I live in absolute terror of electrical blackouts during heat waves.

Yesterday, I had to go out for my yearly mammogram and flu shot. I try not to go anywhere if I can possibly avoid it… even to my doctor’s office….but sometimes you have to do these things so I had to go. I went thru hell and stayed up watching tv, literally, the whole night before last just thinking “How am I going to get dressed without losing my breath. Am I going to be able to be ready when the van gets here? What will happen if I can’t get down my stairs in time for the van and it leaves me? Will I get fined for not showing up for my test?
(They do that sometimes.) Will I collapse in the hallways of the place where I’m going? I try to make myself relax and breathe normally; I learned at technique called pursed lip breathing but in my case, found that it makes matters worse and now have to control myself so I don’t end up doing it out of sheer habit.

Living in a state of mortal terror all the time (though if I’m left to sit alone and have no where to go, I can go for at least an hour or two without gasping but only wheezing). I’ve asked my doctor “Isn’t there something you could tell me or give me that would help these panic attacks”, but she’ll just sigh and say “It’s NOT panic….it’s COPD”..and then she just drops it. Believe me, I’ve tried to get a response from her but it’s like pulling teeth that won’t come out.

Please don’t get me wrong; I’m an easygoing and nice patient and I have a lot of humor. My doctor (and other ones I’ve gone to there) are VERY professional and seldom crack a smile though. I hardly ever “bother” my doctor but try to stay away from her as much as possible. She’s useless anyway. She likes me to come in about every three or four months to get my blood pressure checked though it’s extremely high and my medicines for it don’t help much and I can see why but other than that I don’t really see her that often. I have a doctor whom I see for the COPD and he’s a pulmonary specialist and very nice but only refills my prescriptions for an Albuterol inhaler, won’t put me on a steroid one because it costs the HMO too much (and would cost me $90 a month as my copay and I can’t afford it anyway) so even though he’s kind and I’ve told him about my panic disorder, he just nods wisely and then leaves (we don’t get more than about 5 minutes at a time with our doctors at the HMO). I could go to their psychiatry department (as I have for anxiety before) but it’s fifty dollars a visit (my co pay) and they only give you a pill like Buspar which makes you unable to sleep…..ever…..and exacerbates my breathing problem. In short, it’s not going to help me but might actually make matters worse. I tried several different kinds years ago for a similar anxiety and depression problems and got absolutely no sleep …. ever. They told me all anti anxiety drugs cause sleeplessness and since I seldom can sleep anyway, it’s horrible to have to sit up in a chair all night long watching tv because sleep will not come. I get about an hour and two of sleep a night even without those medicines (this has gone on for about 10 or 20 years now) but it was really terrible when I had to go to work everyday and lift heavy things all day, deal with complaining customers (I worked at a Zoo, a real one, I mean), and generally I was gasping and exhausted all the time. I worked for bosses who had no compassion or empathy for other human beings at all. After I got emphysema and COPD, I told them I could’nt handle some of the heavy work (I was hired originally as an office worker) but one of them said “Well, the Sunday papers is full of other jobs and you’re free to pursue it but we are downsizing and you might as well deal with it”.

I’m blessed though to at least have enough money that I don’t have to work like so many older people do but still live at the poverty level of about $1300 a month which is more than some folks have. I feel so sorry for those that are even worse off. There’s a lady who lives down the hall from me and works as a housemaid and carries buckets and various paraphenalia to her car every day to go to work (it seems like 7 days a week) but she once told me she has emphysema and she looks to be even older than I am. I used to try to befriend her if I saw her in the hallways but she’s completely gruff and doesn’t want to be bothered. I understand and don’t do more than say “Hi” if I see her now but I hear her dragging her cleaning mops, brooms, etc.,, up and down three flights of stairs every morning and every evening and feel terribly sad for her that she has to go thru that everyday.

Anyway, the point is, I could have it even rougher in life than I do and I thank whatever God there may be for amount I do receive.

By the way, when I was a young mother, I used to occasionally freak out in department and big grocery stores and have to leave everything behind, grab the kids, and head for the door (and not even be able to finish my shopping but I had kids to feed and eventually had to go back in and try again until I succeeded and this was before my lung problems had even started). I was married to a man who scoffed at it all my problems and didn’t even try to help out but boy, you’d better not be late with dinner or you’d get slapped around.

I guess I could go on for days here but you’re not a shrink and I really wanted to just try to be supportive of you in writing this. Sorry for my rambling on and on.
I don’t really have anyone to talk to.
I don’t know what I’d do if I had to face a wedding…..much less my own…..with panic disorder. Hell, I could barely stand up for my own much loved younger brother’s gravesite ceremonies not long ago. He suffered terribly and lost a leg and a half and both kidneys to diabetes yet still clung to life and living with a passion. He didn’t want to die. I told him I’d be happy to and I think I meant it and I almost envied him when he finally passed yet couldn’t really because I knew he didn’t want to go. Luckily, he didn’t suffer from panic attacks on top of everything else he had.

So, I wish you much luck and love…. and God bless you….if there is a God to bless anyone…. and hang in there, my friend. The story you’ve told touched me deeply and I prayed for you as I read it. Girlfriend, you’ve got a friend here. Love, Millie

I am a 66 year old retired widow on a low income. I have emphysema and COPD, chronic obstructive pulmonary disfunction….which I got from years of smoking. Now, I go around gasping for breath, feeling like I live with a wet washcloth covering my face…constantly.
Yet my emphysema is not bad enough, my doctor says, for me to be put on oxygen.
My problem, she says, is mainly the obstruction of my bronchial air passages, and I use an inhaler…constantly…but with little relief. I’ve been on it for about 10 years, quit smoking 6 years ago but waited too long, I guess.
I get my medical care from an HMO and it
isn’t too good, I’m afraid, but it’s close by my home and I don’t have a car, can’t walk to the bus stop though so I have to get a local senior citizen place to give me rides to the doctor at $2 a trip. My doctor acts as if I’m crazy when I try to tell her that most of my trouble is caused by panic….she says, rather impatiently, “You have COPD, that is what is causing it”. But I can tell ….it gets so much worse when I am faced with having to go out for anything (which I hardly ever do)….or just have to look for clothes to put on. It gets worse when, sometimes during storms in summer, the electricity gets knocked out and I get afraid of dying and start gasping for air (making it worse, I’m sure but I can’t seem to help it). I live in absolute terror of electrical blackouts. Yesterday, I had to go for my yearly mammogram and flu shot. I try not to go anywhere … even my doctor’s office….but sometimes you have to get these tests so I had to go. I went thru hell, stayed up watching tv the whole night before last just thinking “How am I going to get dressed without losing my breath. Am I going to be able to be ready when the van gets here? What will happen if I can’t get down my stairs in time for the van and it leaves me? Will I get fined for not showing up for my test?
(They do that sometimes.) I try to make myself relax and breathe normally; I learned at technique called pursed lip breathing but in my case, it makes matters worse and now have to control myself so I don’t end up doing it out of sheer habit.

Living in a state of mortal terror all the time (though if I’m left to sit alone and have no where to go, I can go for at least an hour or two without panicking). I’ve asked my doctor “Isn’t there something you could tell me or give me that would help these panic attacks”, but she’ll just sigh and say “It’s NOT panic….it’s COPD”..and then she just drops it.
I’m an easygoing and nice patient, I hardly ever “bother” her but try to stay away from her. She likes me to come in about every three months to get my blood pressure checked (it’s extremely high and my medicines for it don’t help much but I can see why) but other than that I don’t really see her that often. I have a doctor whom I see for the COPD and he’s a lung specialist and very nice but only refills my prescriptions for an Albuterol inhaler, won’t put me on a steroid one because it costs the HMO too much (and would cost me $90 a month as my copay and I can’t afford that either) so even though he’s kind and I’ve told him about my panic disorder, he just nods wisely and then leaves (we don’t get more than about 5 minutes at a time with our doctors at the HMO). I could go to their psychiatry department but it’s fifty dollars a visit (my co pay) and they only give you a pill like Buspar which makes you unable to sleep…..ever…..and exacerbates my breathing problem. In short, it’s not going to help. I tried them years ago for a similar anxiety problem and they told me all anti anxiety drugs cause sleeplessness and since I seldom can sleep anyway, it’s horrible to have to sit up in a chair all night long watching tv because sleep will not come. I get about an hour and a half of sleep a night (this has gone on for about 10 years now) but was really terrible when I had to go to work everyday and lift heavy things all day, gasping and tired and working for bosses who had no compassion or empathy for other human beings at all. I’m blessed to at least have enough money that I don’t have to work like so many old people do but still live at the poverty level of about $1300 a month.
I have much more though than many people I know. I feel so sorry for them.
A lady who lives down the hall from me works as a housemaid and carries buckets and various paraphenalia to her car every day to go to work (it seems like 7 days a week) but she once told me she has emphysema and she looks to be even older than I am. I used to try to befriend her if I saw her in the hallways but she’s completely gruff and doesn’t want to be bothered. I understand and don’t do more than say “Hi” if I see her now but I hear her dragging her cleaning mops, brooms, etc.,, up and down every morning and every evening and feel terribly sorry that she has to go thru that everyday. Anyway, the point is, I could have it even rougher in life than I do and I thank whatever God there may be for my retirement.

Well, I have gone on entirely too long but wanted to let you know that there are those who understand what you go thru.
I used to occasionally freak out in department and big grocery stores from time to time and have to leave everything behind and head for the door and this was before my lung problems had started. Don’t know what I’d do if I had to face a wedding…..much less my own…..! Hell, I could barely stand up for my own beloved younger brother’s gravesite ceremonies not long ago. He suffered terribly and lost a leg and a half and both kidneys to diabetes yet still clung to life and living with a passion. He didn’t want to die.
I told him I’d be happy to. I almost envied him when he finally passed yet couldn’t really because I knew he didn’t want to go. Luckily, he didn’t suffer from panic attacks on top of everything else he had.

So, all I can say now is God bless you, if there is a God to bless you, and hang in there, my friend. The story you’ve told has touched me deeply and I prayed for you as I read it. Love, Millie….a friend.

Love,
Dad

How courageous of you to give voice to your feelings about this oppressive condition. It is the first necessary step in gaining control. It is perhaps the most diagnosed disorder of your generation.

Some 38 years ago, I, too, suffered from panic attacks and generalized anxiety disorder. I woke up one day and said, ‘No, I’m taking my life back.’ and slowly I made my way out of the pit of this debilitating disorder. I don’t know where I found the strength; perhaps a failed first marriage and the desire to move on with my life and make better choices or just being so damn tired of the attacks. It worked and what you are doing is a great step forward. Mom is right; you only skinned your knee. Life is a challenge for everyone, just different for each of us. My daughter Erica also has panic attacks; each year a little less frequently. Mastery comes with time and a little age, and some insight, which it sounds like you have and are developing more of each time you write.

Any time you want to talk, just call. Your folks have my number. Who knows? Maybe this is a genetic issue.