An (un)Sure Bet
If you spend all your time racing ahead to the future, you’re liable to discover you’ve left a great present behind.
-Tom Wilson
It’s only Friday, but my mind is already hours ahead of my body, digesting the idea of going to the races tomorrow, inducing a mild state of Panic: my hands are clammy, I’m fidgeting, and it feels as if there’s cotton behind my eyes. It’s like an involuntary sneeze; just like clockwork.
My mental preparation has already begun. I know there will be horse enthusiasts and throngs of spectators; children with Hambletonian backpacks chasing echoes through pavilions. I can picture the ponies and their minute riders, colorfully suited, and poised for victory. Anticipation and chaos will saturate both the air and white linen tablecloths of the restaurant overlooking the swept dirt track. We will have seats at the window, place bets on elaborately named “Jan’s Gettin’ Lucky Today” and “Singmeawindsong,” and lose.
He has helped me calculate the steps from the car to the ticket window, the escalator to the restaurant, and down to the winner’s circle. He sends me to website photos, and describes what isn’t shown on the screen. His childhood friend is the announcer, and the racetrack will be ours to explore - an immeasurable punishment when taken with fear, and a grand honor in the course of days. I shift in my chair.
A therapist once asked, ”Is it worth the risk?” I haven’t decided yet.
August 10th, 2006 at 9:28 am
I am so proud of you for all that you have accomplished. This site is indicative of your personality as it is a fusion of your strength to admit your fears, your conviction that you will not be beaten by them, and your desire to help others with theirs. Love you!
August 10th, 2006 at 10:07 am
you’re a warrior rach!
stay with it
here’s my mantra (lately)
“the paradox of life is that we are often not shown how we can get something until we first commit to having it”
jack canfield,mark victor hansen
August 28th, 2006 at 12:50 pm
Rachel, It is so brave of you to post a blog of your frustrations and efforts in learning to battle and live with your panic attacks. I’m sure that it must have been such a difficult decision to make and at times is nearly impossible to get your feelings typed out. I feel that my efforts always come up short, but you do such a great job getting your complex emotions on paper… I think we can all learn something from you!