Turning on the Light
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
- Franklin Delano Roosevelt, from his First Inauguration Address
I’m reaching for the pull switch above me, and tugging the cord, however I can already see in the darkness. I’m turning on the light for you: family, friends, in-lookers, and empathizers. Things are not entirely as they seem on the surface, and sometimes it helps to illuminate shadows.
A single summer evening in 1997 has become my personal focal point for nearly a decade of fear. In a tightly-packed souvenir shop in Canada, bombarded by glaring halogen lights, music, and tourists, I was accosted by a street performer and his wooden marionette. Surprised and unable to focus on the French Canadian he spoke, I was sent into a tailspin of bodily symptoms: sweaty palms, pounding heart, and the feeling as if I was no longer in my body. I was having a massive panic attack – the first of many – and I was absolutely terrified.
A panic attack is not what popular culture has painted it to be. While shopping the other day, I overheard a young woman exclaim, “ohmygawd, I will just have a panic attack if they don’t carry these pants in my size!” It took nearly all of my strength not to intrude in her conversation and forcefully correct her — if only panic attacks were insignificant moments of drama-queen proportions. But then again, I wouldn’t be here today setting the record straight.
According to the Anxiety Disorders Association of America (ADAA), the following symptoms constitute a true panic attack:
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It’s a strange game of genetic chance we play. Approximately one in twelve individuals will experience at least a single attack in their lifetime. The random discomfort will eventually subside — a subtle, hidden luxury for a fortunate few. Spin the dial a second time — as of 2006, upwards of six million Americans have experienced more than one panic attack. The rush of fear returns, sometimes firmly attached to a location, event, or emotional state. Multiple attacks lead to avoidance of the negative stimuli, driving masses of people to stay in their homes, shrink away from subways and bridges, and cry out in distress in large auditoriums. If you have more than a single panic attack in a month, and spend an equal amount of time worrying about having another attack, you have panic disorder.
I have had panic disorder for nearly 10 years now. It has been my nemesis, spitefully waving its spindly fingers at me from across dinner tables, casting shadows over evening conversations, and blowing its hot breath on my cheek as dusk falls. Life with panic disorder can be a whirlwind of fear and discomfort. Imagine something that terrifies you - is it snakes? Verbal confrontations? Now envision spending every day standing in a swimming pool of snakes, or facing perpetual confrontations, never being quite sure when you might be able to step out or walk away. You are tethered to and dependent upon negative possibility. That is just a small sip of what it’s like to live with this disorder.
What scares me personally? The night, and functioning normally when I am tired, it is dark, and I must cope with loud noise and bright lights. If you know me well, you might realize that you’ve spent very little time with me in the evenings, or perhaps only small amounts of controlled time. Through years of therapy, I have learned that I am sensitive to both auditory and visual stimuli, and that perhaps it is my predisposition to this sensitivity that triggers most attacks.
I am sharing this with you because I have recently reached a point where I refuse to continue denying my personal psychological history because it may be perceived as an embarassment. There is no shame in uncontrollable factors — would you deny being Diabetic? Mock your cousin afflicted with Parkinson’s Disease? — and embracing fear is the best way to cope.
I hope to use this blog as a forum for discussion - to provide a sounding board for other sufferers and their families, and through stories from my daily life, to educate those unfamiliar with this anxiety disorder. Please feel free to contact me with any questions about living with the disorder (info@rachel-schneider.com), and post your own comparative stories. It’s time for us to gather and build a community through exposure and explanation.
Tell your best friend, your neighbor, a passer-by on the street, the quiet man that sits in the corner of your office. Send people the web address, subscribe to my blog (it’s free!), post your experiences, and help me spread the word about Panic Disorder.
July 11th, 2006 at 5:45 pm
Rach: This is great!
Keep up the good work! Fight the good blog!!
Love,
Dad
July 11th, 2006 at 8:33 pm
Rachel,
You are one amazing woman. You are so strong and your words are so powerful. Be proud of who you are and all you have accomplished.
I love you,
Mom
July 12th, 2006 at 2:15 pm
Rachel, Very happy for you that you’re so comfortable with yourself to share so much! So much good will come out of this, I just know it.. Love, Lauren xxoo
July 13th, 2006 at 8:07 am
How courageous and caring of you to do this! Again, your talent as a writer and your quality as a human being show through. My family is plagued with bi-polar personalities, depression and alcoholism. I ended up with occassional waves of severe depression and was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder due to events in my childhood. Over the years, I have required medication on and off depending on life circumstances and health. Years of cognative therapy, reading, AlAnon and plain hard work have gotten me far along towards serenity. In early 2001 I was hospitalized for 6 days due to severe depression/anxiety. I was ready to cash in and leave. It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life and some of the “crazy” people were some of the most beautiful, compassionate, present people I have ever met. I think creative, caring and loving people have the most wonderful lives in some ways, but the flip side is that the cruelty, mean-spritedness and stupidity that surround us permeate us and harm us. I have thought about writing about my experience many times. You have inspired me to get going on this. It’s important and so are you! So is your story. I am glad and honored to know you and know you have a wonderful life ahead. Thanks for being my Spec Child! Deb
July 13th, 2006 at 8:56 am
This is a really important subject…even for those who don’t have the disorder themselves. Having grown up with a mother who would occasionally have strong panic attacks that were frightening and hard for me to understand, I worried that I would follow the same path. I’ve had a few myself, with chattering teeth, chills, and an out-of-control feeling of my mind racing. But I feel like, with more people like you who are willing to talk about their experiences, it might at least help others feel less alone and more comfortable with themselves. On a personal note, I miss you, Rach, and it’s great to see that you’re involved in such interesting projects.
July 13th, 2006 at 12:38 pm
Rachel
You continue to astound and delight me with your openness, strength of character and joy of life. Ohmygawd, you know you are a very special person in my eyes and nothing you do suprises me anymore. You are an incredable example to all of us. Please continue to look life in the eye and live it to the fullest.
I hope things are going well at DDP. If there is anything I can do to support you, just have your people call my people and we can do lunch.
Thanks for everything!
Herb
July 14th, 2006 at 12:10 am
Rachel,
You are a strong, gutsy young woman. Your mom was also spunky when she was your age (now, too, of course) , so perhaps you are following in her footsteps.
May you have happiness and good health to match your courage.
Carol Holland Lifshitz
July 15th, 2006 at 11:08 am
I love you, and you make me so proud. Keep going and you know you have my support all the way. HUGS
July 18th, 2006 at 4:46 pm
Rachel,
You are courageous, bright and generous to share of yourself in this way. The writing is beautiful and moving. Keep up the fight.
Good luck.
Anne Johnson
July 27th, 2006 at 1:00 pm
Thank you for finding my blog on myspace and inviting me to join your community. I think it’s so important that those of us with panic disorder stop feeling ashamed and embarassed, especially since it seems that most people do not judge us as we fear they will, and the stigma is largely in our own heads. Panic disorder is so widespread that I have, since “coming out” about it, been hard-pressed to find anyone who doesn’t know someone afflicted with the disorder, or who hasn’t had panic attacks themselves on occasion. I think that because so many people who don’t have the disorder have experienced panic attacks at some point, they are far more understanding of the disorder than they otherwise would be. If anyone wants to read my own blog post about dealing with panic disorder, the link is http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=33769341&blogID=132765638&Mytoken=E298E673-8BFF-4098-95392D6372742A9A275993890
I’m not sure if you need to be registered with myspace to view it, so I apologize if you do and you can’t view it, but I believe it is visible to anyone.
Thanks to Rachel for being brave and bringing people with this underpublicized disorder together in a comfortable and supportive forum.
July 28th, 2006 at 7:29 pm
Rachel,
Your dad sent me an email with this link. I think you are incredible for doing this and I believe you will benefit greatly from sharing your story. In addition, you are an amazing writer; your words flow wonderfully and create vivid visual images. I hope you can also use this to share more of your life, or write other stories to give to the rest of us!
Lots of good luck with this.
With love,
Jane (Seibel) Walker
July 31st, 2006 at 10:38 am
Rachel,
What a wonderful writer you are. I am so glad to see this important topic discussed openly. The best medicine for people suffereing from these disorders is knowing they are not alone and have resources and other people to talk with. This instantly can reduce some of the panic attached to the feeling of desperation.
Thank you,
Keep up the good work
Deb from Boston
August 4th, 2006 at 3:21 pm
Rachel, I was very impressed reading the clear and extremely descriptive way you presented panic disorder. Your writing talks to the people, both those who suffer from this conditon and those who are just learning about it. All my best wishes for your eventually freeing yourself of this heavy burden and for bringing it to light to many others.
Fondly,
Beverly
August 14th, 2006 at 9:15 pm
Bravo for the courageous step of publishing your experience with panic disorder. Your writing is a lush pleasure to read, even though the subject is so clearly terrifying to you.
You may be interested to know that I came out of the closet about clinical depression years ago, when I agreed to be interviewed on a television news program about my long-term symptoms and recent successful medication. It was an eye-opener to find that airing this previously unmentionable malady led to solidarity with several cousins, who confessed to the same affliction after seeing the show.
You are terrific!
December 24th, 2006 at 2:14 pm
Hello, great site, I found a lot of useful information here, thanks a lot for Your work!
With the best regards!
David
January 23rd, 2007 at 4:21 pm
Great site, I am bookmarking it!Keep it up!
With the best regards!
Jimmy
January 25th, 2007 at 1:07 am
Nice Post.
That was well said. Always appreciate your indepth views. Keep up the great work!
John